May 10, 2007. About 6 am East Coast time. We gathered together at Ideal Nursing Home in Endicott to say goodbye to Dad. We'd had an all night vigil...waiting. That moment that you dread as you grow older. It's not your own passing. It's the loss for those who you love that you leave behind.
We probably never fully appreciate what our parents do for us, until they are no longer able to do. And that's more than just birth, feed, clothe, house and perform those elements that animals share with our rational human selves. No, there is the element of security, the element of emotion. The feeling of immortality. The feeling of being a child.
The first time I faced my own mortality was on the death of my father six years ago. As the father of two as well, I began to recognize that I won't be here forever. And, the not being here wasn't the hard part - at least for me. There's was a recognition that, at some point, I will be passing on as well, and leaving my kids to go through the same recognition that they, too, are mortal, and that my passing will leave an emptiness in their lives that I feel to this day in the loss of my own father.
Now, I believe that there's certain types of parent-child relationships. I happen to have been very close to my own father, and considered him a friend, confidant and virtual clone, separated by 41 years. I think, though, that this emotional element transcends the nature of the temporal relationship we have with our parents.
I am not talking biological parenting (which I believe is an overrated and overvalued element), but of the parent figure - that adult figure who provided security in our youth. It is the basis, I believe, for the traditions of ancestor worship. As long as the parent is alive, we have the security of being a child. No matter how bad it gets, there is a parent figure we can relate to that will allow us to revert to our childhood - the feelings of security. When all seems lost, overwhelming and there's an unknown, we turn to the parent, who protects and guides us. Even as they pass on from this life, we turn to them in worship and prayer. For intercession. Or we turn to our "Heavenly Father", the ultimate parent figure.
I am fortunate to have Mom still with us. I just spent a week being the child again. I admit to a certain enjoyment in the release of responsibility. My stress was much lower. I was the child.
Sometimes, however, there's a perception that there is no parent. That the parent figure is no longer there. There is a feeling of being alone. And, in my case, there's the recognition that for many - at home and at work - I became the parent. With all that the role entails - including the pressure to be immortal for those who rely on you.
After all, it was the loss of my own father that provided the recognition of both the mortality of man and the role that the parent plays. That created pressure. That pressure caused the parent to want to become the child again, and the cycle plays out. Is it the basis for the classic "mid-life crisis"? Possibly. Trying to become a child again to avoid the pressures of being the parent. Recognition of the mortality of our parent figures - and the projection of the impacts our own mortality on those we love. "If I could just be 20 again, it will put off that day of reckoning for my children."
The role of parent figure is an important one. I didn't realize how important until one of my own was gone. It adds pressure to perform in that role for others. It creates desire to be the child and escape the pressure.
Happy Mother's Day to all parents. Biologic and symbolic. Father and Mother. Mortal and Immortal. May your inner child still have a parent to comfort, protect and guide you on your life's journey.
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